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| || 8-1-09 || 01:18am || |
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sometimes we all need to be saved
from ourselves
and the other lunatics around us. |
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| From something written in the past |
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| || 7-25-09 || 12:03pm || |
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I found this in my room, written on a sheet of yellow lined paper in slim red pen:
I can't tell, honestly, if the way I feel is too big
or if your scope of What We Can Feel is too small and meaningless...
Am I condemned to a life of people reading my overly dramatic thoughts and mocking me for them, not understanding that I mean all that I say from the bottom of my heart, but that I say it aloud to everyone with the easiness and thoughtlessness with which I would throw a towel over a drying rack? You should take me seriously, but also not seriously at all. That is how I see myself, at least. |
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| || 7-21-09 || 07:56pm || |
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there are moments when messy piles of clothing look beautiful in the comfort of a quiet room filled with music and the sound of a fan, and dedicated study of language and thought fill moments that may have remained empty.
i used to ask all of the time "where am i going?" and i still wonder, but im not worried anymore. |
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| what have i learned this year? |
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| || 7-20-09 || 03:38pm || |
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today as i walked up the stone steps to my apartment, i thought, "what have i learned this year?"
the first topic that came to my mind was friendship. i've always known how important it is, but this year has only solidified my belief that it may be the most important thing, because beyond all else that is liable to fall apart, it holds steady and holds you together. it makes you laugh and gives you life and hope and sustains you through dark times and winter and nastiness.
beyond that, i've learned that sometimes when you're hurt you have to get on with it. your life, that is. you can talk to people about it, and that helps to a certain extent, but after a while it is just dragging yourself through the same emotions and perhaps it becomes more healthy to jump ship and force yourself past it onto activities and topics of conversation that make you happy. no need to dwell on unpleasant things once they're in the past
i've learned not to take things as personally- people have their own shit going on and if they freak out on you, it is probably not entirely about you, if at all. it's good to have your own sense of who you are and what's important so you don't need others' appraisals of you
i have re-learned all of the high school math that i forgot, along with biology and some spanish
i have learned that i need to be very kind to myself
i have learned that i dont belong in boston
i have learned to follow my instincts and enjoy things as much as i can
i have learned/remembered that it's terrible and painful to fall in love, but i think it's worth it in the end? maybe? |
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| || 2-1-09 || 01:50am || |
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the thing i can be most grateful for
is the voice in my head
saying: keep going. get up. you are safe and alive and well. there is nothing to be afraid of.
because really, it's all that i have--
my own self, speaking words as though they were holy:
"sweetie, don't be so hard on yourself. we're all going to fall down. it's not weakness, it's mortality... you are beautiful and strong and defiant."
with that, i swing my legs onto the ground and i stand, uneasy at first, but then solidly, and i sing to myself a quiet song of hope. |
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| Written on a hard day at school... |
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| || 1-4-09 || 12:41am || |
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Again, a time when I am quickly living from event to event to event, without even a moment to catch my breath, look and say “Why??” or think about what this means—
Or where am I heading? And that is important- WHERE am I heading?
I can’t afford to lose track of that in this pile of dirt and confusion- I can’t look up and find myself lost and alone. I need to hold on, find my bearings, press my hands to the ground and then to the sky, be connected to everything, let go of hate and all that fails to let me grow- I can hold onto only what is essential- solid people, the ground, garlic sauteed vegetables, my guitar, hope. My hands open to the sky, singing, looking for hope and help in some form, and some kind of clear assertion of caring and love and friendship.
I don’t need anything that I don’t have; I just need to hold onto myself and make sure that the most important parts stay sacred and intact. |
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| || 12-29-08 || 12:54am || |
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let's look past the where and when and how and why
and breathe, slowly, quietly, more complete now
let's look out past the future, and say,
"thank god we have this"
not because it is infinitely beautiful in itself,
but it is something to look back on, and to wonder about
when we are old and gray and full of sleep... |
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| great moments... |
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| || 10-7-08 || 09:24pm || |
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Leroy: (trying to get out of adding fractions) Miss, have you seen any good movies lately?
me: Leroy, please do your work.
Leroy: What about sports? You been watching any sports lately?
me: No, Leroy. I've been too busy making up lesson plans for you.
Leroy: Whoa! You put a lot of work into this, Miss. Why are you doing this? It seems like a lot of work.
me: I'm doing this b/c I like you guys and I want you to be able to do math.
Leroy and Jaelyn: (open mouthed stare)!!!!
i guess they... never realized that i'm not doing this to punish them, but b/c i care about them and i want them to know how to do math and to be better at reading so they can eventually go to college, if they want to. what a revelation! |
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| this is the new life... |
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| || 10-7-08 || 08:55pm || |
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tired in the morning
teacher in the daytime
staring and smiling in the afternoon
kitchen dance party before bed. |
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| || 3-20-08 || 02:22am || |
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sometimes i feel like i could burst
sometimes i laugh at absurdity in the midst of utter sadness
sometimes i want to listen to the same song over and over. it's quiet, dark outside, there is one light on beside me, and i have the feeling that if i listen to this new, slow song over and over, i will know how and why to live, and i won't wonder anymore. |
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| In honor of MLK Jr. day... |
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| || 1-18-08 || 07:55pm || |
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"Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'"
Dr. MLK Jr.
(In honor of our man MLK Jr. I'm in New Orleans for 2 weeks and i've seen that around the volunteer housing i'm living in... and i like it a lot.)
Much love, as always. |
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| it stings a little but by the time it reaches my feet, it feels real good. |
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| || 10-14-07 || 12:48am || |
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i want it to be easy.
i want you to know and i want to feel
that i dont have to explain myself and more than that
i want it to be unsaid, between the silence of standing and walking...
and simple. i want the simpleness of brushing hair behind my ear and crossing the street and beyond all, falling asleep.
the second when you finally fall, finally finally fall, and it feels like nothing...
i like the innocence of fullness
and i like, above all of everything,
to stand by the ocean (with waves or without- that part is irrelevant)
and to STARE at the sky, and to wonder where and why and how we will be, someday. |
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| || 9-13-07 || 11:59pm || |
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excuse me miss, did you hear me? because,
i was thinking
maybe you didnt know what i meant.
what i was really saying, between the hushed sighs
and footprints of where we've been,
is that i am unsure of where we are.
but at the very least, at the VERY least,
i am sure, when looking out of my high window
(at a body of water and the newness of green...)
i am sure that we are somewhere.
i am sure that where we are
is consistently more important than where we are going.
i am sure that we are breathing,
and that we know
all that we need
in our guts, under the stomach, behind the heart.
our lives wait there, sipping sweet white wine. |
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| || 8-30-07 || 12:50am || |
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crazy coming back to wellesley for my senior year,
but i love who this place has caused me to become... i think that it forced me to grow up a lot, but not in a bad way... in the best possible way. when i began i had no idea what i believed, who i wanted to be, what i wanted to do, and i thought that having a boyfriend would make me happy... you know when you are young and you think that? i mean, now for one i consider myself bi (maybe still leaning towards men) but also i just know that you need to make yourself happy. bottom line, you need to be happy with or without romantic love.
also, i feel immeasurably more confident in myself and especially my mind and my abilities. im so glad i came here. |
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| || 8-9-07 || 03:54pm || |
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May the long time sunshine on you
All of surround you-
and the good life within you
Guide you all the way home |
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| || 8-4-07 || 01:34pm || |
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i havent written in a long time.
im tired from wandering but ive also been soaking it up, ive felt good and as though i never had to define myself, i just had to run to the station to catch the next train and i was new and fresh and alive in a new setting, more alive because no one can understand my thoughts and words but myself, and all that i show to the world is a stumbling, "bonjourno? bitte? danke? grazie? djienkuje?"
it has been good. i have met the most strange, warm, friendly, interesting, random people along the way. that was probably the best part. i also know my brother again, i didnt even realize that i didnt know him before. it had just been too long since actually spending time together. it has been nice.
there will be good things in the future, i hope it and i think i believe it, too. it has been what i have wished on when i had a fallen eyelash, and it has been coming true.
i hope you are doing well.
it will be good to come home, and it has been good to just be. i love you, i hope i see you soon, i feel disconnected which feels wonderful and strange, and it will feel wonderful to see you again, as well.
i leave roma in 2 hours. i will be home tuesday night until thursday. call me if you are around.
love, always,
me |
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| (dont tell anyone, but...) |
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| || 7-4-07 || 01:53am || |
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i have nothing profound to say,
(it's going to come out muddled),
it's that time of night.
you know when you spend the day inside, and you're just lazy-ing around making eggs and reading harry potter and (maybe) writing a song, and then you take a nap...
and the first time you step outside all day, your body is grateful? you smell the air and you think, shit, i missed all of this, i could have been out here, alive, and i could know what the sky looks like?
im a little concerned that my life will be like that. that i'll just idle around inside, too self-concerned to remember the realm of beautiful treegrassbeesstream that should be consuming me. i hope that doesnt happen, all that i want to be is always outside, always grateful and always thinking. |
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| || 6-16-07 || 02:29pm || |
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"But what is Kindness? I have killed Kindness,
but what is it?
You are kind because you live a kind life.
St. Francis was kind.
The landlord is kind.
A cane is kind.
Can I say people, sitting in parks, are kinder?"
Gregory Corso "But I Do Not Need Kindness"
Since i got back from my trip i haven't felt creative, i dont even want to write because there is nothing to say, i feel silent and unable to write fluidly, in a way that could ever move myself or anyone else; i need more motion. at the same time, im happy, im very happy lately, but i want to expose the thing jumping for attention inside of my chest, i want to throw it in every direction so it can fall to the ground and take off running. i want to feel like my arms are wide, stretching in every direction, i want to feel like maybe i could wrap my arms around everything at the same time and still be sitting where i was, preferably on a spot of grass, thinking about life and why and how.
that's the story. what's up with you? |
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| || 6-13-07 || 03:21pm || |
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i am cleaning my room at home and throwing out a bunch of old stuff, recycling clothing, etc.
i see my magic 8 ball on my bookshelf
i take it down, (it is very dusty) and i ask it about my current love interest, and whether she likes me, too.
im nervous as i wait for the response,
(and it is broken, in addition to being old and dusty).
it stops half-way between "it is decidedly so" and "my sources say no"
i laugh to myself and throw another shirt in a plastic bag.
apparently, my future has not been decided yet. actually, im pretty cool with that. |
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| || 6-11-07 || 01:06pm || |
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it feels WONDERFUL to be home, i always forget how good it feels =)! |
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snlt2's journal